After forty years of marriage, my husband Bob and I are occasionally asked “How have you
managed to stay together for so long?” Well, we have been devotees of “nonviolent
communication” as developed by Marshall Rosenberg for twenty of those years.
Notice that I didn’t use the word “practitioners” of “NVC” to describe us, because even though
we both have yearned to control our primitive responses when “triggered”, we haven’t made a
lot of progress in corralling our fear responses.
So many people, including ourselves, seek that elusive “pause” when provoked. We would love
to be able to hear a triggering statement, pause for a few moments (during which time we
would formulate a truthful yet kind response), then utter it with nary a hint of the fury that was
clutching our bodies moments ago.
At my advanced age, I accept that many things I dreamed of achieving aren’t ever going to
happen. I won’t be walking the Camino de Santiago. There won’t be an article in the New York
Times describing my virtue in teaching the ecological way to make footwear. (I haven’t quite
given up on this one!)
And, I may never hit “pause” when stimulated by hearing a “survival-threatening”
communication. I’ll keep on trying, but I may be striving for the unattainable. However, Robert
and I do have a process that has worked, regardless of our lack of skill.
We call it “REWIND”. Using this process, the person I am talking to and I have previously made a
commitment to “not hear” the triggering statement and the other’s triggered response. We
stagger away from each other after our unfortunate verbal exchange – this we have mastered –
and get to a separate space. For myself, at that point my brain resembles one of those
plexiglass containers in which lottery numbers on ping-pong balls are scrambled. It is physically
impossible for me to form a rational thought.
But, as time goes by, my brain stops spinning. I can breathe. When I am ready, I give myself
“empathy”, as is advised in nvc practice. I think of myself as an innocent child with a loving
grandmother – and I was blessed to have such a grandmother – who soothes me with “you try
so hard to contribute, “this breaking of connection is so painful for you”, “you so want to be
heard and understood”, or whatever consoling message that I need.
After a while I may be ready to guess what the other person might have been feeling, and what
needs of theirs weren’t met by the conversation. In other words, I give THEM empathy. It
doesn’t matter if my guesses are “right” or “wrong” – this process gets me into a different
relationship with the other person.
When we both are ready, we REWIND! We get together and share what we learned from our
time apart, and almost always the warmth and connection returns. We both share our empathy
guesses and receive clarification from the other, if needed. We hold hands.
In a community such as Sirius, I hope all members will be committed to REWIND. It doesn’t
mean that they always have to go through this process, but the consciousness is planted. And
isn’t that what we are all after – higher consciousness, and more connection?